The headline is hyperbole, granted. I’m 54 years previous. I’ve had lots of dangerous days. Was this one the worst? Unattainable to say. Can I title a worse one off the highest of my head? Now that I give it some thought, no! However we’ll get to that.
Let’s discuss in regards to the automobile first. The vaunted Hyundai Elantra N! The automobile identified all through the automotive-YouTube and reddit-forum universe because the price range different to the Honda Civic Kind R and Toyota Corolla GR, providing up 98 p.c of their efficiency at a ten-thousand-dollar low cost (extra whenever you consider vendor gouging). Former BMW M-father Albert Biermann’s present to the frequent people: a track-ready weapon that’ll do double-duty as a humble household sedan when wanted, however is rarely greater than a flick of a baby-blue N button away from springing into full rifle-shot-backfire motion. What’s to not love?
Mine was a Christmas current to myself a pair years in the past. For many of my life I’ve completely pushed beater shitboxes — for the longest time taking a perverse delight in by no means having spent greater than $2,500 on any of them — however when my newest acquisition, a Saab 9-5 Aero wagon with a sketchy title historical past, began exhibiting indicators that its head-gasket points might need much less to do with the pinnacle than the block, I’d lastly had sufficient. Time to behave like a grown-up for as soon as and purchase myself a automobile with an precise guarantee.
A crushingly miserable conclusion on the time, as a result of I typically hate new vehicles. The load, the bloat, the superfluous and gimmicky tech, the pursuit of irrelevant numbers and advertising and marketing B.S. that solely serves to additional distance drivers from the act of driving — all of it simply bums me out. I hate automated transmissions. All of them. I don’t care how “good” they’re. New vehicles suck. I advised you: I’m previous.
However then I remembered the Veloster N I’d pushed a couple of years prior on the Rolex 24. I used to be in Daytona for a narrative about Hyundai’s nascent IMSA program, with Bryan Herta Autosport working a crew of TCRs within the Michelin Pilot Problem. When hotshoe Michael Lewis took me for a lap in my utterly inventory road automobile I used to be legitimately floored by the quantity of velocity he carried by the infield, and he gushed about how intently the dynamics of the street automobile mirrored these of its racer-fied siblings. (Lewis would go on to win three of BHA’s subsequent five-and-counting championships within the years since.) The automobile was inexpensive, enjoyable, and — most memorably — it felt particular.
By mid-2022 after I was purchasing, although, the Veloster’s funky asymmetrical hot-hatch configuration was being phased out in favor of the extra typical four-door Elantra. Similar drivetrain, related suspension setup, principally all the Hyundai N goodness in a slightly-longer-wheelbase, extra passenger-friendly package deal. And cheaper, weirdly. I actually most popular the seems to be of the Veloster however wasn’t about to pay an additional thousand bucks for a jankier inside. Elantra N it was, then.
For those who recall, 2022 was additionally the 12 months all of us discovered guilty no matter was flawed in our lives on the world provide chain, and there was a ready record for just about every part; the Elantra N had gone on sale late in 2021 however I’d seen precisely one within the wild and showroom flooring have been barren. After a couple of weeks of getting dicked round by out-of-state dealerships, I discovered the least terrible native outlet and put down a deposit that made me first in line for his or her subsequent 6-speed handbook allocation.
Six months later it lastly arrived, as I say, days earlier than Christmas. A white one. I didn’t significantly care in regards to the shade, however in some unspecified time in the future throughout that interminable wait I’d had a dream a couple of white one, so this felt surprisingly fated. I introduced within the set of Michelin X-Ices mounted on Sparco Terras I had on deck for this very event, signed the paperwork whereas they threw them on, and took supply of the primary and nearly definitely final new automobile I’ll ever purchase. Granted, I’m not that previous, however I say this even now as a result of I simply can’t think about there ever once more being one other new automobile that I’ll each be capable to afford and, crucially, need. They don’t make ’em like this anymore!
Unsurprisingly, the automobile kicked ass. I liked it from that first drive residence, liked it much more after 600 diligent break-in miles after I may lastly put my foot in it, liked it extra nonetheless come spring when these winter tires received swapped out for the ridiculously grippy Pilot Sports activities it shipped with. Whole Jekyll and Hyde persona, docile and chill round city however an absolute bastard when known as upon; fast and responsive, with essentially the most hilariously mild rear finish I’ve ever skilled in a front-drive automobile. The annoying tech was all simply (and completely) disabled, the helpful tech intuitive and elegantly built-in with bodily controls — different producers take notice: this is the way you do a contemporary inside — and it was a easy matter to configure these N buttons in a manner that allowed me to seamlessly alternate between what I regarded as Eco-Grandma, Quick-but-Snug, Firmed-Up-but-Not-Aggro, and Full-Ship Menace-to-Society modes. My twelve-year-old daughter who couldn’t care much less about vehicles liked it; her pals liked it; all of a sudden I used to be the cool dad on account of my sizzling rod Hyundai, go determine. Even the automobile’s hideous grill was redeemed when my highschool bandmate remarked upon its unmistakable resemblance to the visage of 1 Paul Stanley, one thing that’s inconceivable to un-see as soon as it’s identified to you. We dubbed it the Carchild.
None of this got here as a shock. I knew I used to be going to love the automobile; that’s why I purchased it. What I wasn’t anticipating, although, was simply how a lot enjoyable it could be to drive one thing that I liked so unreservedly. How uncommon, in our sophisticated world, to have the ability to really feel simply uncomplicatedly good about one thing! Hell, the Ns are manufactured in South Korea, so I may even fake I wasn’t implicated in Hyundai’s stateside child-labor scenario. I liked going to IMSA races and rooting for the Elantra TCRs, seeing the ever-growing record of championships on the Herta trailers, filling out the dumb on-line surveys at Hyundai’s “activation” tents — How possible would I be to advocate one to a buddy? 10/10 child, all day! — and getting one other cool t-shirt in trade, the race automobile fading to black with the tagline on the again: By no means simply drive.
Okay, I need you to think about that phrase echoing into the void because the display goes darkish and we now transition from the primary a part of our story to the second.
This might be the (presumably) worst day of my life a part of the story. To set this up I want to clarify that for the final twenty-plus years I’ve made my residing as a touring and recording musician, taking part in bass in a cult band known as the Mountain Goats. And whereas I stay in western New York, the remainder of the band are unfold throughout the three corners of North Carolina’s Analysis Triangle, which signifies that most of the time, our excursions began and ended from there. And since flying on this nation has grow to be an unreliable nightmare, my M.O. for ages had been to drive the eleven hours down to fulfill the bus firstly of tour, go away my automobile at our drummer’s home, and drive residence on the finish — one thing I by no means minded. Eleven hours of peaceable, uninterrupted solitude? Are you kidding? I seemed ahead to it, particularly with my new trip making brief work of Virginia’s varied and pleasant Blue Ridge Mountain passes.
Towards the top of our most up-to-date tour I awoke one morning feeling like dying. A Covid take a look at confirmed my suspicion: I’d be lacking our final 4 reveals. As a substitute I’d be staying behind in Charlottesville, Virginia, quarantined in a resort room till such time as I may safely make my manner residence.
Not the primary time I’d gotten Covid on tour! That had been towards the top of one among our first post-lockdown outings, within the fall of 2021, when three of us got here up optimistic and I spent every week isolating in a resort room in McLean earlier than returning residence to my household — Virginia being the place I’m going to get Covid, apparently. My shameful secret on the time? It dominated. Just lately vaxxed, a gentle case, I handed the time ordering in actually good meals, watching motion pictures, studying, listening to music, monitoring the birds exterior my ninth-floor window…I privately referred to it as my Covid retreat. Bliss.
This time was not bliss. This time was, in actual fact, the furthest factor from bliss. This was every week within the suicidal ideation chamber, a darkish evening of the soul punctuated by room service deliveries of Kleenex and Gatorade left exterior my door. Bodily I used to be a wreck: grievously in poor health and incapable of sleep, and with every part I put in my mouth tasting like absolute ass (even worse ass as soon as I received the Paxlovid, which arrived too late to impart something however its least nice side-effects), I couldn’t actually eat both. Worse but, although, was the psychological funk, the short-circuited govt functioning, the proverbial mind fog from which, as the times went on, steadily started to emerge the contours of a profoundly distressing and doubtlessly life-altering realization, to wit: I don’t assume I can do that — emphatically factors in each path — anymore. You already know that line in regards to the physique protecting rating? This was the physique holding up the judges’ playing cards, and each final one among them stated the identical factor. Recreation over, buddy.
I’d examined optimistic on Monday morning; by Friday I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed to GTFO. I needed to go residence. In fact, I used to be in no situation to go wherever, however that was irrelevant. My scenario had grow to be untenable. I booked a rental automobile and plotted my escape.
The plan was a convoluted one, even below the most effective of circumstances. I’d get a rideshare from the resort to the Charlottesville airport, the place I’d decide up the rental. Drive 4 hours to the Raleigh-Durham airport, the place’d I return it. Get one other rideshare to my automobile, a half-hour away in Chapel Hill. After which get as a lot street below me as I may earlier than discovering a resort for the evening, thereby splitting the eleven hours I usually down in a single gulp into chunks that could be extra manageable given my shaky situation. Sounds affordable, although, proper? Doable, at the least?
Buddies, after I say that it was all I may do to get myself and my stuff — a suitcase, a backpack, a duffle bag and a garment bag — from my resort room to the foyer, I imply it was actually all I may do. Neglect about the remainder of it. From that time on, I used to be absolutely past my operational capability, reserves empty, borrowing towards future returns that I don’t ever count on to comprehend. Truthfully? I ought to’ve been within the fucking hospital. Saline drip in my arm, medicated to oblivion. That’s not how we do issues right here, although, so as an alternative I sat down on the curb within the 90-degree Virginia morning swelter and waited for my trip.
Simply to maintain the shedding streak going, what do you suppose Avis gave me on the airport? Of all of the automobiles at the moment obtainable from the rental-car roulette wheel, which one would most completely complement the abject despair of this second? For those who guessed Nissan Rogue, give your self a prize, and please settle for my condolences as effectively, as a result of I’ve to think about that you just’ve been right here earlier than too.
I drove to RDU like a whole asshole. The one redeeming high quality of a Nissan Rogue — any Nissan from the final twenty years actually — is that it telegraphs to different drivers that you don’t give a shit, a truth I used to full benefit in protecting the left lane clear in entrance of me. Made shockingly good time because of this. (It happens to me now that this could be helpful intel for future Cannonballers. Are you able to match an AMG engine in a Rogue? Does AMG make a CVT?)
It was mid-afternoon by the point I used to be dropped off in our drummer’s gravel driveway, exhausted however grateful to have the toughest half behind me. I snapped a pic of our vehicles sitting subsequent to one another and texted it to him; Hurricane Debby had come by and dumped a ton of rain a pair days earlier, and I’d had visions of exhibiting as much as downed timber or worse. Fortunately, the vehicles and his home appeared to have weathered the storm unscathed. I loaded up the Hyundai, checked the oil, received myself settled in and rolled out onto the road with an enormous sigh of aid. Someway, I’d executed it. I used to be in my automobile, pointed towards residence. All that was left now was to only drive. Straightforward. Simply drive.
Sorry, what was that?
Barely a mile down the street the examine engine mild flashed and the automobile went into limp mode. Pedal-to-the-floor-going-nowhere limp mode.
Now, I’m typically a reasonably profane particular person in my on a regular basis life, and I are likely to get extra volubly profane when shit that’s presupposed to work begins fucking up, for instance. It’s a measure of how completely defeated I felt at this second that the phrases that got here out of my mouth weren’t a torrent of abuse, of pure, undistilled rage directed at everybody and nobody directly, however one thing nearer to a whimper: No. Please no. Please don’t do that to me. Not now. Not right this moment.
I pulled off onto a aspect road and pulled my trusty $20 OBD-II reader out of the middle console, a behavior leftover from beater days. A formality; as with the Covid take a look at, I already knew the reply. P1326 — the knock sensor. A identified situation with these vehicles, one going again years on fashions all through the Hyundai vary. There are boards filled with tales of vehicles throwing codes and going into limp mode after a visit by a automobile wash, or worse, a puddle; certainly, I’d identified sufficient that after I took my automobile to get Waxoyled I particularly advised the man to be light when cleansing across the knock sensor beforehand, confirmed him precisely the place it was and every part. For some purpose the attachment the place the sensor is linked is extremely vulnerable to moisture and can brief out if water collects atop it. Mine had behaved itself till right this moment; clearly it was ready till the time was proper to inflict most psychic injury and let me know that I’d purchased the price range sport sedan equal of a fucking F-35.
Thrust all of a sudden from the anticipation of a zenned-out few hours of open street into necessary problem-solving mode, my still-fogged mind struggled. What do I even do? I limped to the parking zone of a close-by vintage retailer to get out of hurt’s manner. The automobile’s heart display proffered a button with directions to name Hyundai service instantly. Unsure what that’s going to perform, however okay, certain. They dispatched a tow truck and advised me to sit down tight. Within the meantime I scrolled by discussion board posts on my cellphone — can’t I simply clear the code? There’s nothing truly flawed with the automobile, proper? After a couple of unsuccessful makes an attempt, I ultimately managed to seek out the mix of ignition sequences and code-reader inputs that put out the engine mild. Okay, candy, again in enterprise. I texted the tow driver again and advised him his companies have been not required. Pulled triumphantly again onto the street and made it practically half-way throughout the intersection when the sunshine got here again on and automobile went again into limp mode.
Now got here the profanity.
When selecting a spot on your complete nervous breakdown, there are a variety of things you’re going to need to think about. Fewer individuals round to witness it the higher, after all. For those who’re open air, perhaps search for shade? Lastly, it’s nice if there’s some massive heavy objects close by you could decide up and throw in a futile expression of your individual helplessness, simply to really feel such as you’re doing one thing — free bricks or massive pavers are perfect for this.
Fortunately for me there was an empty workplace park inside coasting distance, with a parking zone completely suited to the event. You ever seen a grown-ass, middle-aged man utterly lose his shit? It’s not fairly. However typically in life it takes a second like this to shake you out of no matter combination of complacency and denial you’ve been residing in, and admit to your self that it might probably’t proceed, nonetheless a lot grief it’s going to trigger you. In dependancy circles they name it hitting backside. In my case it meant calling again the tow truck driver.
By the point he confirmed up it was 5 o’clock, on a Saturday. The service division on the nearest dealership was closed, naturally, and wouldn’t open once more till Monday morning. I briefly thought of staying till then however rapidly realized that if I needed to spend one other full day in a resort room…effectively, let’s simply say that wasn’t actually an choice. I left the automobile on the vendor, received one more rideshare again out to an airport resort, and flew residence the subsequent day.
To Hyundai’s credit score, the automobile was mounted — knock sensor changed — Monday morning, and the company individuals I spoke with have been exceedingly useful in arranging to have the automobile returned to me on their dime with assurances that I’d be reimbursed for all bills incurred. And certain sufficient, every week later the automobile was again in my driveway.
I don’t even need to have a look at the damned factor.
Each little bit of enthusiasm I ever had for it has been completely extinguished. The t-shirts went within the trash. It’s so humorous to me now, after I take into consideration the a 12 months and a half I spent meticulously altering my very own oil, doing two-bucket hand washes, parking on the far finish of the grocery store lot like a boomer with a brand new 911. What a chump! What an absolute fucking mark! It’s a Hyundai, bro!
A few of you studying this could be pondering effectively come on, man, it’s a automobile. Issues occur. And also you’re proper, after all. Look, I’ve dailied decades-old Saabs for a big chunk of my life. There’s a purpose I carry an OBD-II reader, even in a brand new automobile. I get it.
However my behavior of utilizing phrases like “price range” and “inexpensive” in relation to this automobile shouldn’t obscure the truth that, out the door, after taxes and vacation spot and every part else, I paid practically forty thousand {dollars} for this factor. We’ve been conditioned to assume that’s not so much, however to me at the least, it’s a colossal sum. And but they couldn’t spend the additional buck-fifty it could’ve value for a weatherproof connector to get me residence on a day after I’d all however killed myself simply looking for my manner into within the driver’s seat. By no means simply drive, certainly!
Half of me desires to commerce it for a Corolla — not a GR, simply a Corolla, a center finger to the whole thought of a cool automobile, the cheaper the higher — however my child has made it clear that whereas she’s high quality with me quitting my rock-star job, eliminating “her” Hyundai would mark a breach of father-daughter relations for which I’d by no means be forgiven. That, together with the understanding that I’d be screwing myself financially by promoting at this level, are purpose sufficient to maintain it, at the least for now.
In spite of everything this, would I nonetheless advocate an Elantra N to a buddy?
Properly, it relies upon. Simply utilizing it for monitor days, or to impress the twelve-year-olds in your life? Certain.
Does it rain the place you reside? Does it ever rain anyplace you might need purpose to go? May there ever be a scenario the place your sanity relies upon upon the automobile getting you from one place to a different?
In that case, I’d say the N in that case stands for Not in your fucking life.
